Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"

   Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? IDK, I have Direct TV!

   80% of my conversations with others occur inside my head.

   Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

   I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD!

   Do they sell Alphabet Soup in China?

   If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

   Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.

   Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"

   If you want to make enemies, go and try to change something. If you already have enemies, good! It means you've stood up for something sometime in your life.

   since it's the thought that counts.. I'll keep thinking about exercising.

   watched waterworld last nite, why was kevin costner and everyone so dirty when the entire world was covered in water?

   Maybe the people that say money can't buy happiness are just buying the wrong stuff?

   wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

   When I'm drunk, my phone should say "are you sure you want to send this text?"

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?