Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

   I had to explain to my brother that a milf is supposed to be someone else's mother..

   A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?

   It seems so unfair, someone that filled millions of hearts with joy and laughter, suffered from the deep pain of depression. ..... RIP Robin Williams

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   You know it's a lazy morning when you start to contemplate how coffee would taste if you skipped the brewing process and just ate it straight out of the can like Fun Dip.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   asks: Is it wrong to want to be the designated driver just so you can drop obnoxious drunk a$$holes off at random houses that aren't theirs?

   When I ordered my extra value meal today, the waitress put a leaflet called 'Healthy Eating At McDonald's' into the bag with my food.......That's just what I always wanted, a quarter pounder with lies

   relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   The gang war between the squirrels and the raccoons must be escalating, based on the number of drive-by victims on the side of the road.