Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I don't feel like going to work... But then I remember I was born cute, not rich.

   I don't understand why people get in the left lane just to drive the speed limit. That lane is for crime.

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   Mansplaining is a correctile dysfunction.

   Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

   Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks

   Suddenly, people who can't pay back their student loans are now experts on tariffs and the stock market.

   If we tell people the brain is an app, maybe they’ll start using it.

   What's sad is our new leftist extremist has no audience anywhere else, so he's decided to set up shop here. A dying site that hasn't been poignant in years.

   I may not cast the first stone but I'll sure as hell cast the last one.

   I'm so single, I'm chasing myself around the house playing hard to get!!!

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Any website can be a dating website... if you're from India.

   For those wondering if walls work, they do, I went to china, didnt see one Mexican

   My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.

   Silly sane people...bags are for gas.

   Look. Anyone can make a mistake. When President Trump imposed a 10% tariff on penguins, he innocently thought they were retired nuns.

   Man this guy can't have any friends. Hell, I wish he lived near by just so I could put a knot on his head

   He's 5 steps ahead of you, you orangutan.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's really awesome.