Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss. 😁

   "Enjoy the warm glow of family and friends this holiday season." ~ crematorium slogan.

   Hi. I'm God. I created an adversary named Satan. A big drama where I win anyway. Kinda like having the cheat codes to Mario 3.

   Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids... jest sayin

   There's a fine line between "I've got nothing to do today except look at facebook" and "I've got nothing to do today because I'm looking at facebook"

   I can't dance to save my life, but when I step in dog crap, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   A cult doesn't have 77 Million People. That's a revolution. A cult has a few thousand people with blue hair and random pronouns.

   We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.

   How is January this week, next month, &’ next year

   Trump’s use of executive order to reinstate TikTok is nothing less than an abuse of power. Executive orders should be used judiciously.

   Some days I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days I realize it's not just some days.

   "The Greek Freak forgot the recipe to success. You run team to team chasing championships." Lebron James

   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

   Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

   May you all have a prosperous New Year in 2023. (I may need to borrow some money)

   A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

   Do you know why the call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Instagram. The wonderful world of women with daddy issues and father figure complexes.