Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am I gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

   I think my wife is hallucinating..... She keeps telling me she's seeing other people

   Filled up my Escalade and paid my taxes today. Also, I have a kidney for sale.

   I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

   Probably switching from Verizon. Sent my wife a text saying “I’m your lover forever and I owe you all my affection” and their stupid autocorrect changed it to “I have liver failure and I owe you all my affliction”

   What exactly is meant by a "Digital Creator"? Sharing the same boring memes we've all seen a million times?

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you'll never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome.

   Where there is smoke..,,, there are Hezbollah operatives. BOOM! #Skyline of Beirut

   I don’t have a status today, I have a concept of a status though

   Remember when times were precedented.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas play

   The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

   Doggie Heaven and Squirrel Hell are the same place.

   Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.

   Look at that, one day into office and Trump ended Global Warming

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   If you have to pay a celebrity millions to hawk your product, your product must suck.

   I have CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!

   Inflation is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.