Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the life, there is no Ctrl+Z

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

   Tomorrow is December 1st.... The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning now till Christmas Eve!

   Home is where you can scratch where it really itches.

   Personally, I don't believe in Bros Before Hoes or Hoes Before Bros. There needs to be a balance. Sort of a homie-hoe-stasis.

   eah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it, so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   The difference between fiction novels and the Bible, is that the authors of fiction novels acknowledge it's fiction.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life..

   Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.

   When men don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine. When women don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Cause lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   The only difference between a colonoscopy and Taco Bell is money.

   That was terrible referring to Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage. Everyone knows it's Haiti.

   A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

   In 2009 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   How things roll is "happy wife = happy life", but just remember, women will never be 100% satisfied, so you might as well go ahead and piss her off.

   My wife gives the best head-ache.

   I know not with what weapons WW3 will be fought, but WW4 will be fought with sticks and stones.