Funny Status Messages

   If you're alone and sad for Valentine's Day, to make you feel better just remember that for the love of a woman Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs :-)

   My whole problem with Facebook is I say what's on my mind. Like I'm doing now for instance.

   I went to the Doctors and he said I'd better start watching what I eat..... So I've bought two tickets for the Grand National!! :)

   @comediancoolaid: I didn't know I was single untill I was wit this chic and her phone rang and she told me to be quiet.

   Gas is so cheap now that Porter Ranch is giving it away!

   Nothing says I'm the boss while driving like the horn in a foreign car.

   Went for a swim b*tch'ed slaped a whale, handcuffed lighting threw thunders @$$ in jail

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately broke into pieces and crashed on the floor.

   Yesssssss!!!!! A recession is coming!!!! This is the greatest day of my life!

   ur mom gay

   3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

   I love these commercials showing caring farmers who are concerned over the way they humanely raise chickens. Only to kill them in the end.

   Are we sure Queen Elizabeth's death was "natural causes" and not Reggie Jackson finishing what he started?

   My wife basically has two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

   Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.

   Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

   Well I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   Sometimes I wish I could be a load of laundry in my dryer so I could sit in a dark quiet place and everyone would ignore me for a week.

   My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Soccer: A game so simple-minded they can teach roosters how to play it. 🐓