Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   laughing at an old dude tryin to cross the street ,,,

   Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said loudly "haha you can't even walk" I then noticed the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

   I asked my psychiatrist the other day if she thought I was crazy. She said, "No", so I put the flamethrower down.

   A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superficial.

   I'm not Bipolar-I don't even like bears

   I think once I get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges....I really think this relationship can work!!!!

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again

   TEIAM - problem solved

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   Wondering If Adam and Eve had belly buttons....

   Just saw a Comercial were they made snuggies for dogs....What has the world come too?

   misses the kindergarten days where naps were required, snacks were given, and when a boy pushed you in the sandbox it means "I like you"

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Waldo. Well Played.

   hates when his cat thinks outside the box!

   "In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17."

   Buck you fuddy, and your whole dod gam family! Why don't you go backoff in your own jackyard and see ho your fussy peels?

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   JUST MADE A TEAR GAS FROM BAKED BEANS AND ONIONS..

   Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, the girl next to me slipped and went flying back against the wall. Indecisive whether to get off and help her or to just keep going, I lost my focus and footing and flew next to her. FML