Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Interesting Fact: Tuesday Weld was not named after the second day of the week. Because if she was, her name would be "Monday Weld."

   Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.

   Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.

   This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.

   With all the crowds of people there's going to be on Memorial Day weekend I'm not traveling, but not because of Coronavirus, I just don't like crowds.

   “midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

   that moment when you open the ice cream tub in the fridge only to find there's no ice cream but instead something completely random

   You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

   I'm smart enough to know that the Canadian 'sludge' in the Keystone pipeline was going to the Gulf of Mexico to be refined into gas, as Canada has only a few refineries of their own.

   You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

   I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

   The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

   I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

   When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

   I'm still glad kamala lost.

   I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening... and then have to start all over again.

   For a generation who can't find a "good man" you ladies sure are pregnant a lot.