Funny Status Messages
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I've made some terrible life choices over the years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions. 
Powdered Donuts
If Joe Biden's economy is so good, why can't those student loans people pay back their own loans?
who decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ?
Although he was not a biologist, Roy Orbison was still able to write "Pretty Woman."
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line.
Will Smith did what Ted Cruz could not do: Defend his wife's honor.
Personally I am happily married, unfortunately my wife is not
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Dear Transgender people, Don't you dare tell me I have to accept you for who you are when you couldn't even accept you for who you were.
I grew up in the mid 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Marriage tip: Women are naturally bad drivers. So, never ever let your wife drive the car. You, as the alpha Male of your household, should stay in the driver's seat and take your family where they need to go safely.
I'm not turning my clock back an hour on Nov 1st because seriously none of us need an extra hour of 2023.
"I think I can get you a dollar....You gotta be quicker than that" - Geico Fisherman Guy Commercial
Roses are red Nuts are round Skirts are up Panties are down Belly To Belly Skin to Skin When its Stiff Stick It In
Life is just like an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts !!
The 5 O'clock news. AKA let's see what the ηiqqers did now.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Today is National Lobster day and I guess that makes it a good day to be a bit shellfish.
ab/2k[zhi6op7/vb Sorry, there was a spider on the keyboard, but it's dead now. Wait, gzfew!1;p9nmkxpxq Okay, now it's dead. 