Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I grew up in the mid 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   Marriage tip: Women are naturally bad drivers. So, never ever let your wife drive the car. You, as the alpha Male of your household, should stay in the driver's seat and take your family where they need to go safely.

   I'm not turning my clock back an hour on Nov 1st because seriously none of us need an extra hour of 2023.

   "I think I can get you a dollar....You gotta be quicker than that" - Geico Fisherman Guy Commercial

   Roses are red Nuts are round Skirts are up Panties are down Belly To Belly Skin to Skin When its Stiff Stick It In

   Life is just like an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts !!

   The 5 O'clock news. AKA let's see what the ηiqqers did now.

   An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

   Today is National Lobster day and I guess that makes it a good day to be a bit shellfish.

   ab/2k[zhi6op7/vb Sorry, there was a spider on the keyboard, but it's dead now. Wait, gzfew!1;p9nmkxpxq Okay, now it's dead.

   I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: "Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again."

   The Three Stages of Life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.

   If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

   I messaged a woman that I was madly in love with her. Then I rubbed one out. Now I kinda just like her.

   "?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology

   I'm confused. Does baby oil come from babies or go in babies?

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

   My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents. He knew all week. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.

   Dear Anti-Vaxxer Imbeciles, Thank you for putting the rest of us at risk because you're too obtuse to look past ridiculous conspiracy theories