Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was listed as "single", and all I got were Facebook singles ads. Now I'm "in a relationship" and I get marriage ads. WTF.

   A new device can turn thoughts into speech. Wait, don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.

   I know Gilbert Arenas likes to shoot, but this is ridiculous!

   whats everybody worried about with Gilbert Arenas...its not like he can shoot anymore!

   Dear Facebook, You appear to be on girls' minds at least 10 times a day. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated

   My New Year's Resolution is to finish what I star........

   Women are strange...before marriage they expect a man,after marriage they suspect the man,and after he dies they respect the man!

   wonders why people only see ghosts at night? Probably the same reason UFO'd are never spotted in the city.

   A blind man walks into a shop with his dog. Suddenly,the man picks up the dog by the tail and swings it around his head. The horrified shopkeeper asks "Excuse me,sir?? Can I help you?". Blind man says "No thanks. Just having a look around."

   knows why boy scouts don't sell cookies. Because nobody would eat a cookie with 'BS' on it.

   waiting for the new i-touch-wii

   While stepping over the broken bodies, my heart sank as I suddenly realized my hiding spot had been located...

   wants to be like one of those cool tv dads like Bill Cosby. So he is sending his wife to Law School and starting a Medical practice in his basement

   When you feel neglected think of a mother salmon who lays 3,000,000 eggs and no one remembers her on Mother's Day

   Last week I sent my friend a pile of snow. I called her today and asked "Did you get my drift?"

   wonders if one took up dancing in the southern hemisphere, if it would be considered "pole" dancing

   It was recently reported that House Speaker Pelosi stated that "There has never been a more open process" regarding the Health Care Reform Bill." Which begs the question, is she smoking marijuana for a medical condition?

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

   was told recently that it really doesn't constitute stalking if you inform the other party. I like that. So, Greater Facebook Community, I'm probably stalking you.

   Jets fans relax, I know being in the playoffs is exciting but the bengals let you win so enjoy it while it last....... Cause it's over come Saturday.