Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves. Cowel described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."

   The probability of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet.

   In the mcdonalds parking lot banging your girlfriend.

   the world may be falling apart around you, but as long as you're wearing Miley Cyrus merchandise you'll be alright.

   those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter

   So far this year, my hindsight is only 20/10.

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   if you replaced every time you read, wand, in a Harry Potter book, with the word Willy, the hilarity is immense.

   Mr. Howell's and Gingers' love child

   did you know racecar spelled backwards is racecar

   So here we are at the beginning of a new year. After spending this past week reflecting on 2009, I've discovered that I was right 98% of the time, so I'm not really concerned with the other 3% when I was mistaken

   ..thinks some people here have the mentality of a retarded turtle. But it's nice to see that monkeys can actually type these days. I knew that £2 a month I was donating towards the RSPCA would come to some good. Keyboard monkeys. Who'da thunk it?

   all of this sub-zero whether is putting a damper on my flag pole licking

   watering a fake plant

   Ok, it's 2010...Where the hell is my jet pack?

   my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan.

   ok I have received those emails and basically.. "Yes I do want a bigger penis, but not if there's a flipping virus attached!"

   The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

   to get what we've never had, we must do what we've never done!

   Lifes tough, Wear a helment.