Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do

   I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   When two confused strangers come together they call it love, and when they fully know and understand each other, they call it breakup.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   “Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"

   My wife is leaving me because she says I always make stupid comparisons. I feel like a balloon in a glove box..

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   Some people need to learn that the right to remain silent pertains to posting on Facebook too.

   The problem is not that OBESITY runs in the family.The problem is that NOBODY runs in the family

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there."

   I hate those þènîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. Eight of them were from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mom that really hurt my feelings.

   I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.

   A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!

   Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it off?