Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember Emo Phillips, not to be confused with emu..stringy long hair over fugly face? ueah, I think he started the whole look

   had a run in with a pit bull, once they get a hold they jus wont let go until you're just a quivering and screaming like a girl.....the dog was fine, it was the owner who ripped me to shreds defending the breed.

   It's funny how easily accidentally leaving just one vowel out of a status can make you sound like an Indian Chief from the movies. You know what mean?

   The driver in jet dryer #2 truck should be safe, Juan Pablo isn't in a car any more...

   cakes 66p Upside down cakes 99p

   can't stand my broom on the end, becuase my wife won't stop flyin around on it long enough

   This is how guccimane face look (8o>-_-)

   I have paid for this bottle of Vodka, I own that. I still haven't paid my rent for this month, I owe that.

   Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.

   I'm trying Speed dating, but so far all these women are screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph :(

   Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere.

   promise, as a very white guy, to never say "Salt 'N Peppa" out loud.

   and why, when I answered the phone, it was a guy on the other line??

   "Sex is a part of nature, I go along with nature." - Marilyn Monroe

   Turns out trolling LinkedIn for ladies to s3xt with was not such a good id

   Good, Better, Best...never let it rest until the good get better and the better turn into the best

   I'm not afraid to admit that I will put on on the first date ladies.

   Lock a vegetarian in a room full of Jack-O-Lanterns and then give them some bath salts.

   I'm just tryin' to stay ahead of my shadow.

   Just drank warm orange juice after I had brushed my teeth, and now reciting "Jabberwocky" in Spanish is my only means of communication.