Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"

   I see my self as a crayon, maybe I'm not yourr favorite color, but one day you will need me to complete your picture.

   Whoops! Some vodka fell in my glass... Better clean that up...

   I got gas today for $2.45 to bad it was from taco bell

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.."

   I usually don't care what people are saying until they start whispering.

   Women like silent men... they think they're listening!

   I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer...

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.

   "You've changed" ... No, I think the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please your ass."

   When life hands you lemons, squirt the juice in your eye..the stinging sensation will stop your whining.

   One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.

   Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   This is my cup of care \_/ oh look, IT'S F**KING EMPTY.

   It only took 6 drinks but I'm starting to feel the Christmas spirit.