Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   "Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man." All races are asssssshooole equally.

   I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   Russian and Ukrainian troops in Crimea are involved in a tense stand-off. The latest reports are that France has already surrendered....

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   Great Black Friday deal!!! : Sleep..... $0

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   go search google for let it snow. very cool effect.

   My girlfriend has this sick sexual fetish of trying to cuddle with me after sex.

   I have some bad news and a Justin Bierber CD. Which one would you like to hear first ?

   How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Pitbull, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.

   My neighbor asked me to look something up on my "internet machine".

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   If you want to visit a real graveyard this Halloween just log back onto MYSPACE.

   You have 500 friends? No you don't. Ask one of them to randomly drive you to the airport.

   How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between "blazing inferno" & "toast"?!?

   Your chances of dying on the way to buying a lotto ticket are greater than your chances of winning.