Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   golf helps him maintain his higher math skills.

   working today to stamp out, eliminate and erradicate redundancy...

   When I die, I'm hoping that I have left a mark. As long as it's not in my underwear.

   forcing herself out of bed and off to work and thinking that retirement is wasted on the old!

   sharing his loneliness with a cup of Nescafé

   just found an excellent heroin dealer! His name is Al Vishniac and his address is 987 E. 7th st, Apt. 4-A.

   we know its women's day today so ladies will you stop flooding facebook with ur stupid updates and liking other women updates.. its not your birthday

   YOUR interest in your own kids: 100% Everybody else's interest in YOUR kids: 0.3%

   it seems like facebook and apple have something in common...apple has the slogan there's an app for that...facebook should have a slogan that says there's a fan page for that.

   Facebook is the epitome of six degrees of separation.

   loves eating big meals. I especially love a 7 course meal, of which my best is a cheese burger and a six pack of beer.....

   Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.

   Miley Cyrus awarding best original song at the Oscars...Irony defined?

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Unfortunetley for me, mirrors dont talk. Lucky for you, they dont laugh either.

   born with two helpings of brains but only half a helping of heart

   put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??

   I understand you got your swag on, but could you walk a lil faster...?

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

   But what was he doing the first one who subscribed to Facebook?