Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering how a MAN can't stop a PRIUS ......BUT....... Tiger woods wife stopped a ESCALADE WITH a 9iron

   Show me a man that doesn't cheat and I'll show you a woman who minds her own business

   remember to drink your beer. It's full of vitamin P.

   (asks: How much money do you have?) Let me put it this way...Last time I made a deposit at the bank..I got a standing ovation!

   If at first you don't succeed, dispose of the witnesses and say you did...

   Just watched Precious.... I believe the Best Supporting Actress should have totally gone to Mariah Carey's moustache. P.S. Eminem just wrote a rap song about tapping that moustache and even has a sample from a voice mail the flavor saver left him....

   considering taking on a plumbing study course in an attempt to find a $200,000 Dollar ring down th toilet drain. I already got a diving suite anyway...

   I think Toyota should take Energizer's slogan, “It keeps going, and going, and going”.

   Being Single Means An Empty Butter Tub Becomes An Instant Cereal Bowl. Being Single And Drunk Means Not Washing The Butter Tub First.

   a once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you just lied will become less important.

   Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in....

   trying to apply for a Unicorn Hunting License for the state of Nebraska....but I guess they were out..........................

   I don't know how to do my own taxes, but I CAN name the brand of cereal just by hearing it being poured into a bowl in the other room

   wonders why it is "cool" to throw up the PEACE sign in pictures? You look retarded with your head twisted to the side and holding up the peace sign...

   Damn!!!...If you gonna be two faced, girl, at least make one of them look pretty...!!!!!

   so T-Mobile calls me up and asks "what do you want for a cell phone company" ? So I tell him.... A blow up doll that doesn't fart and fly out the window when you bite her neck.......she hung up!..... I guess they didn't REALLY want to know!

   "Milk-a-what?"

   knows that when Jack Bauer rips a lamp off the wall, it's time to guard your nipples.

   I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face

   In just two days, tomor­row will be yes­ter­day!