Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   likes to think that when she squishes a spider, its final thought is, "Good. Being a spider is miserable."

   National Atheist's Day April 1st

   Sorry, I've just been taken by surprise, am not sure when he'll bring me back.

   secretly wishes Michael had gone ahead and body-slammed Ryan Seacrest last night.

   My wife and I have sex DOGGY STYLE..... I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead!

   believes you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

   Going nite nite... if you see me in your dreams don't forget to say hello.

   im on the road to riches with jus a lil bit of traffic..

   i bet after sex that girl smokes a ham instead of a cigarette! ughh

   Pfft, No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, just a bunch of fruits

   life is all about ass. Your'e either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!

   getting ready to rock your world, so bring a change of underwear. Why? When it happens, you'll know.

   the only thing not covered by the new health care bill is busting your ass

   If napping was an Olympic sport I would be on a Wheaties box!!!

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   I'm not on Team Edward or Team Jacob. I'm on Team Buffy!

   I can't watch Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. Whenever they swing her around the dance floor, I'm scared more babies will fly out!

   the best way to piss off your wife is to tell her her pants look too loose.....

   This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for posting this is for fun

   This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine...