Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A homeless man asked for money today and instead I gave him my thoughts and prayers. We had a good laugh until he gave me a concussion.

   Hot dogs, peas and applesauce, hum hum.... Hot dogs, peas, and applesauce, hum hum.

   It's sad when the best looking girl from Texas happens to be Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants.

   Whether you order a six-inch or a foot- long, both you and your sandwich artist are thinking about diks for at least a second...

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.

   I'm Irish for a day.

   I can't believe I'm still pissed off the the NBA title went to Canada.

   Latin is like zombies. They're both technically dead but still influencing society.

   Sluts are like Gary; they only like you for the cookie in your pants.

   "See I don't understand me...My plan is to win your heart before I win the GRAMMY". :D

   a lot of the ladies at the office have choose to dress Slutty for International Women's Day...that's what I believed anyway.

   I betshe gives great helmet.

   Glad to see Walmart is holding it's March Madness sale...too bad it's on teeth & everyone is down to their final four.

   if I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was right, I could get it changed into pennies & swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck

   Fuzzy navel is supposed to describe a drink, not your dates belly

   remembers when pink slime was something seen on Nickelodeon

   I feel so threaten by the news anchors....Now that they all starting to where Hoodies to report the news.

   Being a Care Bear must be exhausting. How can anything care so much about everything? It's not possible!

   Some people don't always get asked out on a date. But when they do, it's usually on April 1st.