Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... To the guy at Sam's club: thanks for parking in all 4 spots...I'm the one who thought that big empty space was the carriage return... Oops. How'd that work out for you d*#k head????

   the only thing worse than mom jeans are mom genes

   How do you tell whether your wife or your dog likes you more? ... Lock them both in the trunk and when you open it later see which one is happy to see you.

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   With all the farm building and mafia hits, no wonder you don't have time to find a job.

   America, home of the brave...land of the broke!

   Don't hate me because I´m good, hate me because I know it!!!

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   America, the land of the free.....unless you're an American!

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you but the roses are wilting the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

   If I told you the Brooklyn Bridge was for sale would you buy it? Well I don't buy your bullsh!t either!

   Saving money on her car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident.

   Its fun to see blue water turn green after I pee in it...see kids, science is fun...

   Dear Ghetto Mom...no one is going to hire your chils named Shaniquillla

   doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.

   you can type up a whole paragraph that doesn't make any sence whatsoever and people will wonder what's wrong with you.. but if you end it with a smiley face. then it's all good." :)

   Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman???? Because you have to hollow the head out.....

   There's a right time to mind; and a right time to nevermind......