Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

   Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

   Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe

   Now that the President is wearing masks, the Left is now concerned about how effective they are.

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.

   We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   Saying "All Lives Matter" is like when your house catches fire and the 911 operator says "All Houses Matter".

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   Like a Drifter I Walk Alone. By Whitesnake....and the CDC

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.