Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?

   41 shot in NYC this weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   After such a high demand for COVID-19 face masks, I have recently started making them. Does anyone know how much chloroform I need to use?

   Breaking News Adam Schiff has proof that one of Donald Trumps kids is the missing Lindbergh baby

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   Someone told me to check my White Privilege. I looked and said "Yep. Got it right here."

   Privilege is having multiple national organizations promoting and protecting your race, all of which are subsidized by federal tax dollars.

   Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

   Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead? Me: No it was just wings.

   The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio. Surprising, because we live in

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

   The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

   My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

   Privilege is having a national college fund that supports only your race.

   Privilege is the ability to go out and march against anything that triggers you, without having to worry about the consequences of calling in to work.

   Privilege is wearing $200 sneakers when you've never had a job.

   Privilege is living in public housing where you don't have a utility bill and where rising property taxes, rent and energy costs have no effect on how much food you can put on your table.

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.