Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
←Rate | 09-27-2019 09:09 by SEAN Comments (1)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
←Rate | 10-10-2019 11:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity.
←Rate | 10-11-2019 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 07:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they're NOT adopted?
←Rate | 10-09-2019 16:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
←Rate | 10-11-2019 14:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
←Rate | 11-04-2019 16:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 14:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 17:55 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
←Rate | 10-01-2019 04:50 by Crewzey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
←Rate | 09-17-2019 08:05 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  

   messageicon "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
←Rate | 10-17-2019 08:30 Comments (0)  

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