Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The teacher asked students to write an essay on 'If I were a Millionaire'. All students started writing except lil John. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" I'm waiting for my secretary,

   Three stages of marriage:1st Mad for each other, 2nd made for each other, 3rd mad because of each other.

   Written outside a temple:Why should we beleive in GOD?because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by GOOGLE

   I have a blackbelt in Karate.Its not that iam good at it,its just I never wash it..

   Am I the only one that hears the ice cream truck, and reaches for the gun at the same time?

   I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   To make it easy on everyone, here is the correct pronunciation of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull: THOR'S BUNGHOLE.

   Ever just met someone you want to put in a large trash bag filled with a couple cinder blocks and drop them from a bridge? No? Me neither.

   I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon!

   resides on the top of Mountain Dew.

   If I followed the advice "live every day like it's your last," I'd become an 800 pound criminal with multiple STDs.

   Dear news people, stop trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull, you are all sounding like idiots, just call it The Volcano, is way easier...

   My 4 year old son is running around saying "Yippie-Kay-Yay" and it's taking everything I've got to keep from yelling "Mother-Fucker!" Yeah, I think I may seen "Die Hard" too many times.

   broke someone's heart and now he's paying for that!!! [So Sorry!]

   Q: Why do women live longer than men?Because Shopping never causes heart attacks,but paying the bill does!

   Why were hurricanes normally named after women?Because when they come they are wet and wild.But when they do they take your house & car with them ;-)

   Men want three qualities in wives: Economist in the kitchen, artist at home and devil in the bed. But they get an artist in kitchen, a devil at home and an economist in Bed.

   90% of married men cheat on their wives in the US.....the rest go to thailand

   a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my....other handle? Great! I've turned into a frickin' sugar bowl!!