Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has not been hitting a lot of homeruns here lately but is swinging a big bat..

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.

   Dear birds: Our patio is NOT your personal poop depository! Please use the cars with Obama bumper stickers instead. Thank you. -Management-

   thinks that some drug manufacturer's should rethingk their marketing. "We can cure your asthma but this product may cause asthma related death." Really? I think I will live with the asthma...

   ugh! my new facebook homepage looks like a mug shot photo album now!

   It's 420. I don't even smoke weed...That's my credit score...

   now that the last wish from Icelands deceased economy was: Spread the ash out over Europe.

   I was riding a donkey today when somone threw a rock that knocked me off. I was stoned off my ass.

   handing out "damns" because so many people say I give them.

   n't it a coincidence that KFC came out with the Double Down Chicken Sandwich just days before 4/20? Come on, a stoner def came up with that! Two pieces of fried chicken, bacon, and cheese. Def stoner food.

   Loves the smell of burning rubber, but I probably should have told her the condom broke

   Stop Being Mean To Justin Bieber, She Has Feelings Too

   What kind of name is Eyjafjallajokull why not Martin or George.

   if you're a single 30 yr old male living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment, despite your past, you should go ahead & add your name to the sex offender registry for future reference.

   today is 4-20! ...like I had to tell you... sit back .relax. and show some love :)

   I wonder how many bongs I can collect before my mother figures out they're not vases?

   Why are there so many words coming out of you in such a short period of time?

   gathering Volcanic Ash to throw at you

   its been so long since i'v had sex, I have forgotten who ties up whom