Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   You'll never hear the phrase "It's time to separate the men from the boys" in a Catholic church.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!

   Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

   Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? When are they going to start making condoms? asking for a friend.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   They say the Ugliest parents make the most beautiful babies .. Damn girl your parents must be Fugly

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   Do to the Coronavirus I have some concert tickets for sale, cheap! concert not included.

   I bought a World Map...gave my wife a dart and I said to her.."throw this dart and wherever it lands I'll take you there on our next vacation" .. Turns out we are spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!!

   I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.