Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, but Jack ran out of breath, undaunted Jill got up her will and she went down with Beth.

   oh dear... I seemed to have lost my diet instead of the weight...

   Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up. DO NOT DO THIS IT IS A SCAM.

   Fast food drive thru 5 me 0, can you get my order right please!

   ..is making it look she has an IPad by drawing out the internet on her Etch-a-Sketch.

   You can make the same drive 100's of times but a good dense fog makes it feel like a totally new experience.

   a ►er!

   what are the bumps around a womans nipples for?it's braille for "suck here"

   Dear fellow person looking for the lady popping out kids every 10 seconds I have found that lady! her name is Michelle Duggar.

   wondering how Mel Kiper can look at himself in the mirror and not want to kill himself over the guilt of getting paid to be such a terrible "expert" in his field.

   I'm 35 years old and still haven't figured out how to fold a fitted sheet.

   Somewhere on earth a woman give's birth to a child every 10 sec! we must find her & stop her.

   Facebook is Big Brother. lol To NOT share all your info with other websites, go to Account>Privacy Settings> Applications and Websites> and UNCHECK "Instant Personalization"

   if we're not supposed to have laet night snacks, why is there a light in the frigde?

   Feels like posting tomorrow's status update today

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!

   A friday with out Booze is like a Church without a priest...

   just sneezed. Thought I'd let everyone know just in case Facebook hadn't gotten around to it yet.

   I like Jay Sean's music. He's like Chris Brown, sans the beatings.

   asks: Is it wrong to want to be the designated driver just so you can drop obnoxious drunk a$$holes off at random houses that aren't theirs?