Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.

   a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   wondering who put a quarter in the hillbilly...shut up already.

   Kan yu knot spel?

   reckons alcohol contains female hormones, think about it after drinking 1) Mens speak unnecessarily 2)become very over emotionall 3)drive badly 4)stop thinking 5)FIGHT FOR NOTHING ;

   a little less conversation, a little more action please!!

   i am not a squirrel but I do play with my nuts

   people who take really good care of their farmville probably have the ugliest room

   I fell out of my chair. This might take a while!

   When I was 13, I had my first love, ASDFGHJKQWERTYUIOPZXCVBNM above!

   learning life lesson number 68, don't fry bacon naked!...ouch

   When you lie to everyone else. You're only lying to yourself.

   If you read my mind you'll see I'm CRAZY FOR YOU ....

   if there was any truth in advertising the new KFC Double Down would be called the Double Bypass

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   If this soo called God dwells inside of us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

   If crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

   Dear Wendy's, I so love your delicious, frozen treat called the Frosty. May I make a suggestion? Instead of a plastic straw, could you please substitute this with a bamboo straw? I'm tired of the plastic straws collapsing on me.

   so turns out you CAN use lemon juice to get goats blood off of the curtains