Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever stole my glasses you WILL be sorry, I have contacts!

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   Some guys should have beards - Ugly, overweight.. Some guys shouldn't - Good looking, like myself.

   Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up

   For all you people worrying about toilet paper, you could use your finger. You would be more likely to wash your hands, and less likely to touch your face. Hope this helps...

   My soul mate is probably driving alone with a mask on. Come pick me up stupid.

   Doctor Cathy told me I was really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in?

   .. I maybe dumb enough to listen to him, but I am smart enough not to believe him.

   While I was at the hospital , I noticed I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, of course, I climbed out of the sunroof !

   Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

   Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

   My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

   I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.

   My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

   *Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?