Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?

   The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.

   When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

   Show of hands...how many of you are stuck in the house with a 75 something-year-old behaving like a toddler amped up on fun dip??

   Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

   I really hate when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   ESPN is going to fast track its documentary glorifying Michael Jordan. I'll bet that'll be really good!

   Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

   The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

   [15 years from now] Son: Why is my sister named Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

   If you happen to be hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard, steer clear of Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona.

   Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

   Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

   I imagine by now a lot of husbands are willing to build that She Shed.

   When can I start eating bats again.

   I just burnt 330 calories in about 30 minutes. And thats the last time I look at facebook with a pizza in the oven!

   * I hear that he has the fire department on standby at his speeches in case his pants catch fire.

   What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

   Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

   If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.