Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not breaking the rules ... I'm just testing their elasticity.

   Beware! I'm armed and have pre-menstrual tension!

   law of averages:The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

   All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.

   I don't know who example555@hotmail.com is but I wish he would stop using my MSN Messenger.

   I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

   after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

   The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

   I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

   As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

   Why does watching Twilight New Moon make me want to watch Teen Wolf!

   Unite this Cinco de Mayo to keep sharpies out of the hands of young mexican girls' hands. Feel comfortable in your natural eyebrows ladies.

   ...and thats when George Washington shot Hitler in the head.

   Cinco de mayo is the celebration of Mexico kicking the repo mans(France) a$$ who they owed money to and winning! It's true look it up!

   Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

   I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.

   just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

   I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.