Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.

   Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes.

   Keeping anything under 100,000 deaths is always a good job.

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Looks like I’m going to have to buy toilet paper. That brush next to the toilet hurts.

   Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.

   Since staying home I think I need a better way to end a phone conversation then saying "Hey let me go now, I gotta run"

   I just booked a $10 flight... Got an email saying I’m the pilot tho.

   Bernie Sanders is finally in 1st place...for the most missed votes in the 116th congress. (^_~)b

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   Had to go to the grocery store to buy some more supplies and couldn't help but notice how clean some people's hands were who smelt like they hadn't showered in weeks.

   Just remembered that it's Halloween and won't be getting any trick-or-treaters this year, which is all good as I might need my fast food condiments to help survive the Coronavirus.

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... Squatters built a meth lab in the barn

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID -Kids

   Oh not seeing enough tests?? I thought people were saying they aren't seeing enough breasts. Either way, I agree.

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

   I think this might be a good time to get a pet. Do they have a delivery service for that?

   Parents, Now that you are homeschooling, there is no reason not to put the Bible, the Lord's Prayer, and the Pledge of Allegiance back in the curriculum.

   I haven't watched this much TV since the "All Day Saturday Cartoon Marathon" when I was 8.