Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

   My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"

   Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   He's still my impeached president.

   Engineer: A short circuit in the deer's nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it's dangerous. But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

   I'm still waiting for this civil war you promised for impeaching Trump.

   I put in an URGENT REQUEST to Santa last night for a mirror so you can locate that STICK that's UP YOUR @$S and REMOVE IT!!

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.

   it happy impeachment or merry impeachment? I don't want to offend anyone.

   I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.

   Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

   Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner

   If the cops lied about me on 17 different accounts during their investigation, I would be found guilty too.

   No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.