Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, ⠀˜Lie to me!'

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   my facebook wall is not the best way for me to respond to you Quicker,.. You'll have better luck getting a hold of me if you were to shout my name inside your own home... well,.. I guess depending on the situation."

   more people should be less like most people.

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leak...AND the BP execs will be able to go horseback riding afterwards.

   Ex-president Bush blamed BP for the disaster off the coast of Louisiana. Later he recanted saying "He thought BP stood for Black President."

   Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A.  The bonds mature.

   Impotence: Nature's way of  saying  'No hard feelings...' 

   Okay, so celebrities usually die in 3's... So far, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman... who's next?

   If celebs die in 3's... I hope Sarah Jessica Parker goes next... shes a horse face and a false prophet. Oh and everyone dies at the end of Sex 2!

   of course men can multi task.... we can read the news paper and sh*t at the same time

   wondering if #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2

   poor Gary Coleman...he lived such a short life.

   lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this...

   I think some ppl should read the new book "Get A Lifeâ„¢"...by "X"®

   Baby monkey: mum, I wonder why we are so ugly. Monkey mum: thank God for our good looks, wait till you see who'se reading this.

   hey leave me alone, i'm living happily ever after

   My status has a crush on someone.

   Please! You're only older than me because your parents decided to have unprotected sex before mine did. At least mine didn't make a mistake that night.

   Saying "Let me call you back" is just a nicer or rather messed up way for a woman to say she doesn't wanna talk to you.