Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She passed on the scalloped potatoes because "I don't really like seafood." It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins?

   I'm thankful I won't have to go push and shove people on Black Friday the day after telling everyone on Facebook how thankful I was for everything I have.

   Black Friday. Or as it should be known: "Thanksgiving Is Over, We Now Return You To Your Self-Centered Lives Already In Progress."

   My idea Black Friday is deleting everyone from my friends list who sent me a mass Happy Thanksgiving day meme yesterday.

   If where you live doesn't have numbers on it you really need to address that.

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   Do you ever randomly start thinking about a time you embarrassed yourself 15 years ago and get embarrassed all over again?

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.

   Santa is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   One Christmas eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. When an angel walk in with a tree and ask what he should do with the tree was how the tradition got started.

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.

   I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.

   Ever notice the scariest women are the one's who flood their pages with pics of Marilyn Monroe?

   I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

   I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth

   We don't need a trade deal to last forever. If he doesn't like it down the road, he just divorce it for a younger trade deal, maybe from a different country...

   My worst fear of getting old is chewing for no reason.😖