Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish my lawn was goth so it would cut itself.

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   ending every sentence with "I'm Batman" instantly makes everything you say sound bad ass."

   Dreams of moving to India or Pakistan.....and becoming a Taxi driver

   PMS + GPS = Crazy biotch that WILL find you.

   thinks it's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   while at a local Chinese restaurant I noticed a suggestion box and I wrote, "Free Tibet"

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   needs to clean my house....is there an app for that?

   In the past, people got fired putting that they hate their job on facebook. well I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB! --hope this works for me.

   Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don't make eye contact while eating a banana...

   Mr, T is opening a vegetarian restaurant. It's called "I pity the tofu".

   Rush Limbaugh is the new spokesman for preparation "H". There is no follow up needed.

   currently watching a jailbait parade

   I think Girls are like drugs, they make you feel soo good, but then they end up hurting you and you still want more.

   I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between ignorance and complete stupidity ... but then someone always comes along and clears it up for me. THANKS!!

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes

   if the farmer is in the dell, who's tending the farm?

   If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak

   "Whoever said that 'laughter is the best medicine,' never suffered from erectile dysfunction."