Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   Jack's complete lack of surprise.

   when you are single,all you see r happy couples.............when you r commited,all you see r happy singles. :))

   When I was a kid, my father sat me down and told me he had some pictures to show me that would help me to remember to always wear a condom.... Funny thing is that all the pics were of me

   i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"

   I'm thinking of a number between one and who gives a sh*t

   First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

   Quotations i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

   Help me, My stomach is eating my throat.......this is a job for pizza man....

   The good old days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems..

   Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

   Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

   ...Today's Random English Tip: Remember, it's 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser, where it's 'e' before 'i', and then several 'p's afterward...

   watching Man vs. Food and wonders how many more food challenges can this guy take before he has a massive heart attack?

   after all those years working at the Nuclear Power Plant, Uncle Ron was the hands-down favorite to win the 3-legged race.

   It's not so much that "I don't like" my neighbors as "I hate 'em"

   I'm going to go to the eclipse premier tonight and budge in front of every single girl in that line.

   sooooo hot. In a completely unrelated matter, it is rather warm today.