Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe I'm still pissed off the the NBA title went to Canada.

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home

   The weather is going to be 99 and hazy today .. kind of like Bernie Sanders!

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.

   Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   I'm happy to say that my life is now plastic free! except for a few Tupperware containers and my Facebook account.

   Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.

   The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well.

   Shout out to the guy in the Beamer who gave me the finger for honking and waving at him. Your cell phone is on the roof of your car!

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, so who the hell are you?

   I collect memes like kids collect Pokemon cards. any good memes you want to trade?

   The problem with quotes by famous people you read online is anyone could have brought them. Thomas Edison,