Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:55 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Parachute for sale. Never opened. Used once. Slight stain...
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:54 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.....
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:53 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:52 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon The sign said “This door to remain closed at all times” Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of a door?
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:52 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.”
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:51 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A good rule of thumb is, if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon n't it ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies people more than the thought of eternity.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:50 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:50 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I play a blank tape with the volume turned up, will the mime next door go nuts?
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:49 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If God sneezed, what would you say to him?
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:48 | Tags: Filtered Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:48 Comments (0)  

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