Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   A pregnant lady, except it's me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

   When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling

   I need a meeting with Zuckerberg cause I don't get enough "likes"

   Build the swamp! Drain her up! Lock the wall!

   It's so adorable how badgers and foxes take little naps at the side of the road all the time!

   When you like somebody but they want to fix you up with their friend. That's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...

   Big misunderstanding: I wish someone had told me ahead of time that I wasn’t required to disrobe at a “Gender Reveal Party”.

   So I'm at a bar last night and I see this woman sitting alone. I move in and offer to buy her a drink. She says "Don't waste your time on me. I'm a lesbian." Quick to recover I asked, "Really? So tell me. How are things in Beirut?"

   When it's all said and done, the world in Endgames was saved by a rat.

   I don't understand people who say the moon landings were fake? I mean what did the government spend the 24 billion dollars on? To pay hundreds of thousands of people working on the Apollo program to sit around and play checkers?

   The government is not paying scientist to come up with fake scientific information for the fun of it. They don't want to misinform the world just because it's funny to do.

   If I owned a company, I'd make my stock symbol WTF just so I could hear the TV guys say WTF all day...

   My wife likes it doggie style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   "I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

   RIP Chewbacca aka Peter Mayhew. I’d like to say a few words if I may. RAAARAWWARARWAAAR.

   Thanks for bringing back a lot of classic diseases, anti-vaxxers!

   Avengers: Endgame, Spoiler Alert! Despite impossible odds and seemingly insurmountable obstacles, the good guys still manage to win.