Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A big part of adulthood is waking up every morning wondering if you have caught a cold or is this just the new normal?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:43 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions. I know that now.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes, that smartphone in your hand is the gateway to the sum of all human knowledge. And you are searching for 'kids funny drive thru'
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Something seems ironic about Macy's 249th "1 Day Sale"
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pumpkin Spice eyeliner? Have we gone too far?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”
←Rate | 11-07-2017 20:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m not saying I failed as a parent, I’m just saying my son closes the cereal box without rolling up the bag.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 21:11 by Andrewjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Disrespectful parents letting their kids run around screaming. Can't I just have a nice quiet meal at Chuck E Cheese?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 21:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 18:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 21:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon In an even stranger twist to “ The Usual Suspects” Keyser Soze also likes young boys. One crazy plot twist was enough..
←Rate | 11-08-2017 21:51 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon since twitter doubled the length of tweets, does that mean now I double the name? I'm gonna go post a tweet tweet
←Rate | 11-08-2017 23:33 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.
←Rate | 11-09-2017 06:56 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon With Christmas just around the corner, it's important to remember to never trust electronics buying advice from people who have Beats headphones.
←Rate | 11-09-2017 09:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?
←Rate | 11-09-2017 10:55 Comments (2)  

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