Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To make sure not to lock you small children in the hot car, be sure to leave something important in the back seat like your cell phone.

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember things could be worse, you could be from cleveland.

   Guys with phone holsters surely would have been gunned down quickly in the old west.

   ive taken my adarall and my xanax... I hear you but really dont care what your saying

   gathering rocks to throw at LeBron...Cleveland will STILL ROCK without you!

   next worldcup england are going to wear jerseys with a GPS system.......so that they know where the goal is:D

   Question: "Why did Jack Bauer cross the road?" Answer: "Because the road was too afraid to cross Jack Bauer!!!!"

   Has heard that there is going to be a movie about the greatest golfer to every play the game. It's called "crying tiger.. hidden mistress"

   According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the top three paying jobs for women are pharmacist, chief executive, and Tiger Woods wife.

   Did 4000 eyelid lifts today.......I am tired. time for bed.

   If I go without sun much longer I am going to turn into a bat and fly to my castle......

   Jesus Christ is on Twitter with 159,933 followers & following None.. lol

   Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   I guess Einstein was on Acid when he derived E=mc²

   so broke, the bank manager came and took the calendar back...

   Apparently German research labs are giving away octopus meat

   I've lost my mind, if you find it please put it back in the gutter..

   Love me or Hate me...either way you still have a feeling for me!!

   Song # 1 in Lebron's Ipod is.....I'm In MIAMI B**CH!

   When something begins to grow in your toilet resembling seaweed, it does not make you an "eco-friendly champion of the environment," but it's a nice spin on your lack of housekeeping.