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Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"
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03-16-2019 07:11
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Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?
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03-16-2019 07:41
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Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.
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03-16-2019 09:36 by
Moon
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As a parent my diet over the year has primarily consisted of all the food my kids have left on their plates.
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03-16-2019 20:28 by
CoolguyB
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Dear Netflix, I like the foreign movies you play but nein sprechen sie Deutsch, so please stop playing one's without subtitles I don't understand. Thanks
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03-16-2019 20:58
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No one hits me with an egg and gets away with it!
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03-17-2019 00:04
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To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.
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03-17-2019 01:39
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I'm Irish for a day.
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03-17-2019 13:26
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Mmmmmm, I want some hamberders.
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03-19-2019 12:16
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I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison.
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03-19-2019 15:01
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I'm holding a Twitter conspiracy meeting tonight. Don't tell Devin.
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03-19-2019 15:09
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Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?
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03-19-2019 20:00
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My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.
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03-19-2019 20:46 by
Joker
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I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....
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03-19-2019 23:16
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What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.
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03-20-2019 00:24 by
Kisstopher707
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Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
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03-20-2019 11:25
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Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.
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03-21-2019 12:06
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My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.
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03-22-2019 09:24
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Beto is like the guy that gets cut from the High School football team and says now he's going to join the NFL
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03-22-2019 10:06
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Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"
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03-22-2019 15:51
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