Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.

   This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.

   My life coach just benched me.

   The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   tired of reading statuses about octopus Paul. Bake him already!

   It's just another Maniac Monday, wish it was Sunday 'cause that's my fun day!

   I am the luckiest person in the world. Everyday I get a mail from Yahoo & MSN that I have won a lottery...

   wondering if I'll ever be mature enough to stop laughing at the word "duty".

   Sleeping is putting a restraining order against me, I have to pay for my dreams support.

   Scientists at Lake Tahoe are fighting off a clam invasion.. Or to use scientific terms, "Lilith Fair"

   There's nothing wrong with having sex with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

   that Bud Light Lime has less calories, carbs & fat than 2% Milk...it's not looking good for milk right now.

   My guinea pigs are smarter than you! :P

   A good friend is like a computer. He ENTERS your life, SAVES you in his heart, FORMATS your problem, and never DELETES you from his MEMORY

   wondering, Just how do I get in contact with Paul the octopus during football season?

   cellphones always killin the mood. chick texted "your ducking sexy".. sigh. so I responded "your spelling makes me think your on quack"

   It is now legal to carry concealed weapons in church in Louisiana. I'm thinking that confession just got a LOT more interesting.

   ‎is So,.. Just in case all Hell does freeze over, What's your Number?"

   congrats to spain for winning the Triwizard Cup or whatever...