Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   In the 70s Volkwagen owners use to say "Home is Where The Bus Is...." But owning a old bus nowadays is more like Home Is Wherever the Bus is Broken Down.

   A couples finances in a relationship. Woman: the money I make is my money.The money he makes is our money.

   Rain rain go away so I don't waste all my time staring at Facebook all day.

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   I think politeness is important. That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

   Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one year bad luck." Mirror: "Are you kidding, break me you get seven years bad luck." Condom: Ha ha ha, and walks away.

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You're one of them.

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   Facebook - The only place in the world you can be social while being antisocial.

   Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.