Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

   If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.

   I'm just going to flip the omelette now. Annnnnnnndddd, now I'm having scrambled eggs.

   The most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series is that Ron and Harry never once used the invisibility cloak to watch the girl wizards in the shower. That is the first thing most teenage boys would do.

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   I don't need to know how to read Chinese to know that your neck tatoo says "I earn minimum wage"

   Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that's raising your child...

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

   The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off

   Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.

   How could it be called a "botched execution" if the scumbag is dead.

   If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head...

   If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

   Don't worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too.

   I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.