Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart

   I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice get too thick.

   there are two words in life that will open many doors for you: pull and push.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.

   I hope aliens don't land in the next few years, because this is a really embarrassing time for humanity!

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   Wednesday morning? might as Well call it rensday roaring!

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   Found a great feature Facebook has that not only gives you more privately, it blocks drama and give you more free time to do the things you want to do. And if you'd like to try it go to "Settings" then to "Account Ownership" then click on "Delete Account"

   I just saw a man with one arm go into a second hand store.

   A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.

   What do yot get when you slip in water?............ A waterfall.

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   My wife texted me a selfie and asked if her dress made her look fat, I sai Noo it was autocorrected to Moo... I need help!