Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?

   (To the theam song of Barney & Friends)...... I like beer..... You like beer..... Everone here liiiikes beer..... So lets all go to the bar...... And have a few ew ew beers.

   I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao

   Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.

   Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.

   So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.

   I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   If I am ever investigated by the F.B.I. , I hope my investigation last as long as the Kavanaugh investigation lasted.

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   If you receive a Friend Request from Hormel Foods, don't accept it. It might be Spam.