Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.

   I've given up jogging for GOOD! I realized it was hazardous to my health after my thighs rubbed together so much my underwear caught on fire!

   #192.168.1.1 I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router ;)

   When you and your significant other is having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen.

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile...and how many times.

   I accidentally said “LOL” today. I think I deserve to be shot.

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   I don't care if you don't accept my friend request. Just thought you'd like to see what we say about you on our wall!

   Men... They have 30 year mortgages, 5 year car leases, 2 year cell phone contracts and a lifetime gym membership and then they say they're afraid of commitment!

   if you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

   Stupid bloody garbage trucks waking me up at noon.

   “Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember”

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

   Wife says to husband: "u make love like you decorate." Husband: "How, very slow and like a professional?" Wife:" Nope, I always have to finish the job myself."

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...

   A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...

   this status has been made from 90% recycled status posts. Just doing my part to keep Facebook Clean and clutter Free.

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   The ultimate feeling of opening a jar that everyone else struggled with......Ohhh Yeeaaaa!!