Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.

   needs some fresh air and regrets the decision to let the cat lick up the spilled Fiber One yogurt.

   I think the world would be way cooler if we would have domesticated the bear instead the horse. Oh you pranced around, jumped a stick and ate some hay? Big deal, my bear just ate a hobo, paw'd a bee hive then roared so hard deaf people heard it.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil

   UGA 55, LA Lafayette 7...looks like BP wasn't the only ones to screw LA this summer.

   If it ain't broke, ask it for five dollars.

   "I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

   girls are like square roots. If they're under 15 you just do them in your head

   a nite with me is like giving a gun to a 6yr old...you don't know how its gonna end, but you know it's gonna make the papers!

   a pant-busting crush on you.

   Happy bday beyonce the only singer to b almost 30 nd not pregnant

   Heigh ho! Heigh ho! It's Off to the Bar I go.."

   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Never buy a car you can't push.

   had four E's and LSD last night, Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!

   I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   wants a Web redemption

   Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on in shear terror and other times you just have to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.

   proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years :D